My fight with the Bible

I was minding my own business, reading my Bible one day, when a verse from the New King James Version jumped off the page and smacked me in the face.

“A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire, he rages against all wise judgment.” (Proverbs 18:1 )

Surely I had read that wrong, had understood that wrong.  I read it again. And again. But the verse would not let go of me.  I thought about it all day and all week.  I wish I could say I learned what it meant and how to apply it immediately, but that would be a lie.  The truth is, I’m still, these years, decades actually, later learning how to not isolate myself .

You see,  I grew up isolated.  I lived far out in a rural area.  The nearest bank was 25 miles away.  My nearest neighbor lived a mile away.  The elementary school I attended had 5-13 students,  total, in grades 1-8.  My friends tended to have four legs–dogs, cats, raccoons.  My older brothers didn’t have much time for me, so I decided at an early age I didn’t have much time for them either.  So isolation for me came naturally.

I remember one time my parents and I were visiting my Aunt Fran and Uncle Al in town.  This town was about 85 miles from where we lived and so we only drove there a few times a year.  A father and his son and daughter lived next door and were playing outside.  I played with them a few minutes.  My heart smiled.  I finally had kids my own age to play with!  Oh, the novelty! My own dad was in his late 40s when I was born and didn’t have time for such frivolity as ball games.  I felt like I was in a different world.   All too soon, the dad had to take his kids somewhere and I remember he told me I had to go home.  I still remember how he flicked his wrist, shooing me away.

That little flick of that wrist broke my heart.

So yes, isolation felt normal to me.  Also growing up I observed adults who didn’t get along with each other would just cut themselves off and sever all ties.  Conflict resolution didn’t seem to much exist in my childhood world.  Once I left my remote community to go to a college that was a 7-hour drive one way, I had a lot of learning to do about living with humans.  Then once I finished college and got married, the real test was on.  My new community gave me many excuses to isolate myself.  The local Catholic priest told me in a mean, unloving way I could not take communion at his church since I had married a Lutheran.  The local newspaper hacked my articles that had my byline on them.  I met some mean people.

I was on complete bed rest with my pregnancy so isolation was imposed on me yet again.  My beautiful son was born and it was when he was just an infant, I came across those words in Proverbs 18:1.  I knew by then the Bible, despite what I had learned in college, meant what it said.

My mind thought of all the unsafe people in my life.  Unfortunately there were a lot of them.  I don’t mean they were necessarily violent people, but they said mean things sometimes.  Their words and actions caused me a lot of pain.  MY desire was to isolate myself.  God’s desire was to heal me and strengthen me so I would not be so vulnerable to people’s words and deeds.  My desire and God’s desire were at war.  I was definitely raging against all wise judgment.  The price was high.  Very high.

Part of the price I paid was a lot of loneliness.  Sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind.  I lost a lot of hope things would ever get better.  I gained weight. But as I took baby steps toward not isolating myself, I got stronger.

I announced to a relative who thought he could just walk into my house (even bedroom!) whenever he felt like it that he had to go back outside and knock on the door.  I told a store employee I didn’t like his attitude.  I walked away from people who were toxic but embraced those who weren’t.

I had thought obeying God in this isolation struggle meant he wanted me to open my heart fully to everyone.  This was not so.  I came across verses in the Bible that said I should not cast my pearls before swine.  I found verses that said I should choose my friends carefully. The Bible says not to be friends with an angry man, lest you learn his ways.

The healthiest decision I made in this isolation struggle was when I moved to another state more than a year ago.  The best part is I got a fresh start, a fresh start with myself, a fresh start with people who have no preconceived ideas of who I am.

I used to think I was an exceptional oddball.  Very few Americans, for example, especially in my generation, have been raised in the extreme isolation that I was.  Yet, I see so many people who live amongst many people but yet are lonely.  I hear people saying things like how they trust no one, how animals are the only ones they want to hang with.  And I get it.  But because I’ve lived it, I also know I don’t want to live in that mindset anymore.

I live in a neighborhood now where I see lots of dads playing outside with their children.  Maybe one of these days I will ask if I can join them if their wives don’t mind, of course.  Yes, I think that’s a good idea.