Screams of the Soul

Two Candian geese like the pond near my house.  I can’t help but notice when one goose has its head underwater, snacking, I presume, the other stands guard.  One day, one goose had its head tucked under its wing, sleeping, I presume, as the other stood guard.  They make a good team.  I can’t help but wonder how a goose could sample underwater cuisine and defend itself at the same time.  It would be impossible.

So you already know where I’m going with this.  Humans also need each other.  We are stronger together as long as we are in agreement and support each other.

But what if we’ve been in a relationship that has violated our trust?  Perhaps a husband, wife, parent or boss has abused us physically, emotionally or spiritually.  People aren’t always safe.  Well what happens, especially if that abuse has happened before we were mature, is we start closing ourselves off.  We think if we keep our circumstances tightly controlled, then we will be safe.  We stop going to new places.  We worship the idol of Routine.  Routine feels safe, comfortable.

But then every once in awhile, our soul cries out in such a piercing scream we can’t help but take notice.  Maybe we see a movie and we want to jump into that movie and become that person on the screen who has such a fun life.  Maybe the sun shines bright enough to lure us outside.  Maybe we get an invitation in the mail to go to a class reunion.  These soul screams can happen at any time.

I remember one time I was driving down Main Street in the community that had rejected me so many times.  A prominent pillar of that community had died and brought a lot of people into the town for her funeral.  That’s when a saw a young woman walking alongside Main Street.  She had a confident stride.  She was smiling.  She wasn’t overweight.  She had long blond hair.  She looked like me, like the “before” me.  I used to walk like that.  I used to smile like that.  And then life happened and I let it steal from me.  My soul cried out.  I so wanted to be that person again.

I wish I could say that I said a little prayer, opened my eyes and wham! I had transformed, but that wouldn’t be honest.  The truth is, I’m still transforming.  It has been a process.  I’ve had to learn to let people into my heart again.  Healing has come as I have confessed my shortcomings to safe people.  Healing has come as I have read the Bible and found out how God sees me.  I’ve lost 40 pounds, but I have also greatly quieted that voice in my mind that tells me lies that weighed me down way more than those 40 pounds.  I am stronger because God walks beside me, guarding me and leading me.  I am stronger because I’ve been blessed with faithful friends who know my faults but love me anyway.  And one of these days, I expect to look in the mirror and see my old, but better, self, smiling.